Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Somethings are never on time

Recently, David and I had a pregnancy scare. It took lots of courage to muster up the strength to walk into a store purchase a test and monumental power to actually use the thing. And it came out a...big fat negative.(BFN) I wanted to jump up and down maybe do the moonwalk, I did though sing, but actually I WAS DISAPPOINTED. I do have major baby lust, but who doesn't when they see their tiny infant who used to be *this* small turn into a full grown toddler, who cries something evil when you take them out of the sink. I want a baby again, I am a total Mom! I want the small outfits that come only with infancy, the ability to sit them in one spot and not having worry that they have escaped the house when you turned your back for one second. The babies that laugh at stupid, silly things and that have a little tiny happy persona, satisfied with even the littlest things. I WANT THAT BACK. It is what I miss the most. Don't get me wrong though, Hayden's age group is tough but it is my favorite time. He plays more, interacts with me more, he really like a tiny kid right now. He is a big helper, loves to be chased, draw, build, and color, and more.
But my scare put something into prospective: David is terrified of having another child (weird) this guy turned white as a ghost at any slip of the tongue that involved "baby" and that my baby lust is subsiding. Because I totally over it.
And while I know the idea of having another bouncing baby shouldn't be a "scary" thing but for me it always is. The anticipation, preparation - emotional as well as mental, literal, and physical - all can take time. It takes time to adjust, to settle into anything new, and I know life is full of those: big and small, but an infant is a gigantic one. It is money, time, energy, life shattering as well as life changing. The same way a person really wouldn't want a surprise wedding (boyfriend pops out "surprise! We are not going to Dinner but to the altar, yay!!") you really don't want a surprise pregnancy. Some are more welcoming than other, while some just go with the flow.
I AM A PLANNER. So hard for me to admit, I love planning everything, I love to envision how this will be or go with that, it is one of the many things that keep me very busy and keep me sane because I another thing I hate to admit is I'm a very high strung person. (EKK!) I plan finances, what books I will read in what amount of time in what month, goals for my future as well anything that involves me, anything you can think of it's planned! I have sort of learned to go with the flow with Hayden but even in his behaviors and temperament I have devised a plan or routine. In high school I used to love going to classes where the teachers had written on the board what we would be doing that in that class, and dreaded classes where I would just sit down getting pulled here and there not knowing what was coming next. I like structure, I love knowing what is going to happen (except for movies and books), that is me.
And when it comes to pregnancy, I am no different. I have plans on baby number being the second and last, the infant to complete our family. Plus, I know that there is no way possible that I can talk David into having 3 kids, took me two years to convince him to have a second. I want to do the same thing I did with Hayden: read on infancy, natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and more. Why would I want to do all that when I know what to expect? Because I am an information-holic for 1, and for two I loved it in my pregnancy with Hayden it made me really want him, and anticipate him more. I want to go back and even read on fertility, I loved the information I got from that. And while I would love to just get pregnant. I love planning it even more. Next pregnancy, I want to plan, plan, PLAN. And not be "surprised" but really isn't there surprise in every pregnancy?
P.S. I do have a baby coming soon, my sister is due with her first child, a girl, at the end of this month! I can't wait to be an Auntie!! And for Hayden to have a cousin. This will be his first cousin that is younger than him. All his other cousins are on David's side of the family and older he is the baby there and on my side he is the oldest.

No comments: