The Tot

This is Hayden, he is 21 months old. His nickname is the Blur because he never stops moving, causing over 75% of pictures taken to be blurry. Hayden is growing and learning every day, amazing me every step of the way. He enjoys cars like no other I have seen, loves flipping through books, music is always welcome to his ears, and is very, EXTREMELY close to me. He is friendly, loves to laugh, mimic everything that is said, and investigate everything that I tell him is off-limits.

The story of how Hayden got here is surprising. I never wanted marriage, I always said I was not going to have children. They simply never were part of the plan, and when I did think of maybe having one I vehemently wanted a son and I was set 100% on adoption. Sometime while I was dating David, my BFF's sister gave birth to a little girl. She was mind blowing cute. I loved to hold her, feed her, burp her, everything. Prior to that little girl’s birth, I had started reading on childbirth following my cousin giving birth to a daughter and having a hard time, I wanted to see if that was normal to have the struggle like she did in birth. The combination of reading on natural childbirth and caring so much for a baby, even though she wasn’t mine, I understood why people have babies. Still, I wasn’t ready to be a Mom just yet.

A year passed with me still deeply engulfed in the world of pregnancy, infancy, and birth. Only now I was full of information, knowledge, and an entire of study on pregnancy and birth. I knew like the back of my hand medical terms and conditions many can’t pronounce in pregnancy from the rare to the frequent. And I had created a bond with the world of pregnancy and babies, and soon I wanted one of my own. Little did I know that it wouldn’t be that easy.

Most people know how to make a baby. Jack meets Jill, they fall in love and tumble-down the hill, oh wait, I think that may be a nursery rhyme, umm, well you get the picture. Let’s just say I soon poured myself into the world of fertility and infertility. I consumed book after book, tips upon tips, read stories on infertile women, on women who “accidentally” got pregnant whether on birth control or with protection. Suddenly “I want a baby now” turned into wait is it normal for it to take this long? (I have never used birth control in life prior to this we used protection). Soon I had a fear that I wasn’t meant to have a baby, adoption was probably my best bet, and that maybe I was one of the few women in America who just could not have a child of my own. I gave up.

But there is something called “Baby Lust” and I had it strong. The idea that I would never have a baby of my own that was of David and I struck me harder than I ever could’ve imagined. I would see a baby on the street and want to cry suddenly that I maybe will never have that. Then there were the evil mothers who beat, screamed, and belittled their kids publicly that enraged me to think that person had children, but I will never have a baby that is of David and I.

Giving up made me want it even more, I eventually stopped reading on it, researching it, dreaming about it: Anything to make me stop thinking about it. Then my sister became pregnant, I went to her first few ultrasounds excited to be an Aunt, but kind of disappointed that I would never have that. The next week following my sister, TEE, becoming pregnant I went with my BFF to see if she was pregnant. And I nearly dropped dead when it turned out both my sister and BFF were pregnant. Immediately I got so happy and gitty at the thought of all the babies I would have around and could buy for, and experience without the financial or emotional strain. I rejoiced.

I decided to experience those babies and get an education instead of being “knocked up” young. I enrolled in school to finish my B.A. Tee’s pregnancy came and ended in a very emotional miscarriage, while my BFF remained pregnant.

In September of 2009, on one of our many “Journeys” around the town, my BFF and I were discussing her pregnancy, when I opted out of anymore walking because I was extremely tired and I just felt plain sick as if I needed to throw up but nothing would come up. Realizing I wasn’t playing, she jested that maybe I was pregnant. I laughed softly telling her that was impossible (Now not wanting a baby at the time, we resumed protection), besides I had school. Later that week, I helped move my cousin into a new apartment, upon getting back home I laid down on my mom’s living room floor, sick as a dog. Looking at me sideways, she mumbled a “What’s wrong with you?” “I’m sick,” was out I could manage but I was thinking I just need rest. I jumped up and told her that. But her interested was piqued, soon she asked how long had I been sick, which lead to her declaring I was pregnant, and I told her the same thing as I told my BFF, Kenyata, and went home before I could hear anymore of it.

I fell into a deep sleep immediately that didn’t last long because I heard David calling me to the living room because my Mom had brought me something. A pregnancy test. I quickly went next door (my entire family lived in the same apartment complex as me) to dispel any rumors that Mia D. Boyles was pregnant. My Mom threw in my face that the test was only from the dollar store so if I wasn’t pregnant who would care about a wasted test just do it to calm her nerves (she really wanted a great-grandchild, I was raised by my Grandma who I call Mom). I laughed telling her I would take it just to get her and everyone else off my back, secretly I thought it would be negative as I knew the date of my last period and that in the world of pregnancy the earliest you usually could find out was 4 weeks, and I would have been only 3 weeks.

I took it and only one line showed up. I didn’t toss it instead I put it down on the bathroom sink thinking maybe it would take time, I came out told David that it was negative, he looked disappointed, as I decided to fix me something to eat. Suddenly I remembered women who had said it took a while for the positive to show and that they had to go back within five minutes. In the world of infertility many women pay dollar store tests because they work and are so cheap and it is a long-term thing for them, trying to get pregnant .

I tossed the idea of it turning later, ate, and laid down to sleep again, but that thought keep nagging me, so I resolved that I had to throw it away anyway so why not double-check. Seeing that other line was surreal because it was ├╝ber faint. I looked down at the second line, barely there, thinking this is fake I left it too long to trust the results. But the line was there, over and over again I had taken tests and never ever had a line showed up no matter how long it sat there. I remember too that women had said their line was faint too and that was still a positive, I double checked the box and it too said the same thing.

Quickly it sank in that I was, err maybe pregnant, even if by accident and once I realized that I was totally not ready, the excitement gripped me. I run pass David, shouting I’m pregnant, (Poor David) as I ran out the door to tell my mom. And two pregnancy tests later, I confirmed I had a babino on the way.

In Pregnancy, I found out I had a fibroid. I was only 21 at the time, fibroids usually affect women in their 30′s. The doctor told me I was the youngest person he had ever seen with fibroids. I simply smiled because that is actually what I thought I had and was keeping me from getting pregnant. But it hit home: with me having fibroids so young I don’t know how long I will have my fertility, nor how worse they may or may not get.

Pregnancy was great and besides some few more ultrasounds to check on the baby, than the average pregnancy everything went off without a hitch. Hayden was born on May 22nd, 2009 weighing 7 lbs 10 oz. I quickly fell in love, my heart grew 10x too big with him. I literally love him more than anything else in the world.

One thing I have learned the most is that things don’t always come when you want them, and sometimes the things you want at a certain time are not for you at that time even when you think it is. Because of my fertility issues I am glad I got Hayden at all, I do think me being so young was the reason why I did eventually conceive. I couldn’t imagine waiting until I was older, not having as much time to say I want to wait, and finding out then about the fibroids and facing more likely than not IVF. That would have been too much for me. But there are times almost everyday I wish so bad I would have waited. I want to give Hayden everything, experience him to the fullest, and do certain things for him and with him and financially that is not always possible. Things like that make my heart-break.
Still, children have a innocent that crosses everything, when I see Hayden enthralled with an empty soda can, playing to his hearts content while utterly ignoring a 50 dollar toy I just got him I realize that kids really don't require Britney Spears type income, its more in my head than his, and he can have fun with so many simple things in life. And that makes me fall in love all over again.