Monday, December 20, 2010

On the fourth Day of Christmas

My TL Gave to me... (Wow, really only 4 days and 14 hours until the big day, for those of you who still have shopping to do, it's nail biting time: The Big Christmas Rush!)

Baby Lust! OMG, I know, I know Hayden is supposed to be the one and only, right? But with SO many pregnant women I see running around it is very hard not to think about giving Hayden a little brother. Brother? Oh, you mean Brother or Sister. No...I mean brother. I was just looking at this blog I follow and she is 28 weeks pregnant with another son, looking at her blog I was just over flooded with images of Hayden being a big brother. Now the weird thing is I dream. Well, everyone dreams I know but does every one dream about having another child who is always the same boy in every dream? Probably not, but even so I still think that it is odd that before Hayden was even nine months old, I was dreaming of a second son, who has reappeared in other dreams too, AND he's the same boy all the time.
Now bare with me here. I always imagined when I thought of more children the usual: A boy or a girl, doesn't really matter, a bundle of joy is just what it is, a bundle of joy no matter what. But I just imagine TWO Hayden's (or another being that is close to Hayden in looks, slightly varying in age that I birthed, if you want to get techncial). Both of them raiding the toy box together, giving me hugs, following me around pulling on my pants leg, DOUBLE DIMPLED SMILES -that totally sounds like a flavor of ice cream- rough housing together, sitting down reading books together, stealing one anothers toys and crying to me about, which I promptly stressed through clenched teeth: "share!" And they give me looks as if I was not only NOT speaking english, but a language of an ancient alien species never known to man. Sure I am not naive, it's not all sugar and rainbows, having Hayden all day is not sugar and rainbows but I make it. And his smiles, his sweet, energetic nature ready to get up and play and explore like yesterday never happened brightens my day, makes my life so much more brilliant too. There will be days when they will not sleep, or when one needs a nap and the other is going 120 miles per hour and no one gets a nap. Days when I probably will literally feel like jumping off a skyscraper or not get up and face two little ones two years apart. But I guess I see myself as a "boy" mama! The challenges are endless and the pros are fleeting compared to how easy it is with only one child.
With Hayden babysitting is a breeze everyone wants to babysit him, but two kids is chaos- beautiful chaos and two boys is an Apocalypse. People love to shower Hayden with gifts and love and right now he gets all the attention (some think of this as negative, I know) with a little brother everything would be split.
I see the things I am taking away from Hayden by not giving a sibling, and also what I am taking away by thinking about giving him a sibling.
Scared? Yes. confused? Beyond belief. Overall though when I think of two little boys, I get flooded with all the nice thoughts and feelings in the world. When I think of having a daughter, I am at a lost. Maybe because I have Hayden, I know what to expect but that doesn't give weight either because I could have a son that is way different than Hayden. And I do have images of how I will be with a daughter and the excitement that comes with the thoughts of bows, Christmas dresses, and everything in the world of pink and frilly. I even have a name for my daughter: Lillian Marie. It sounds so beautiful, it is hard to give that up.
Hmmm, I'm a-thinking, a-thinking. I am also considering age if Hayden gets too old I really don't want to thrust a baby in the mix. I want him to have a connection with his sibling, something that I think usually comes with two kids being close in age.
Well, happy holidays, everyone, the day in Cally is just starting, I will try to finish some thoughts later on this sudden baby lust, or maybe it die just as quickly as it started. But ta-ta for now because I need to meet up with a very pregnant sister of mine for an ultrasound. I tell ya, babies are popping up everywhere it's a modern day baby boom.

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