Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Mommy fears

As a Mom you worry. As soon as you hear the news: "You're pregnant!" There is worry: Do I tell anyone before 3 months, will I carry this baby, does s/he have a heartbeat? You start crossing out days until you are "out of the woods", going on multiple bathroom breaks just to see if you're spotting, stuffing yourself with the most healthiest foods to boost your chances, to boost your child's health. Its all worry. Finally 3 months hit, you settle in but do you really? Every twinge, poke, and braxton hicks brings alarm bells ringing. Finally, your baby arrives, whether your baby scored an excellent 10 on their agar or entered the world emergency c-section and got off to a rocky start: you worry. You worry about them being small, breakable, about feeding them enough, all things that can happen to them so small. You analyze every little spec of lint, dust, and germ, ready to chop down anything and everything that you see that comes near your child.
Then as they get older you worry a little less, but about different things. Now you attack your carpet 30 times a day with a vacuum so little Carl Jr. will have something clean to crawl on, you nuke the high chair with gallons on cleaning product to rid it of germs, picking up molecules off the floor so that your baby will not choke, you get down on hands and knees to see what your baby sees as you super duper baby proof your child's surroundings.
Then they get even older, they get a little more independent and you worry even, even less. You can put them in another room, or leave them in another room without completely and utterly wigging out. You may even leave them to their devices for a little bit. The hovering and helping ceases just a little bit. You even invite thoughts of them as "big kids" and teens. You get used to them being around. You plan 3 year b-day parties 2 years in advance, you find yourself at the grocery store when a 6 year old boy or girl is playing delightfully or doing something that you deem so cute, wondering is _____ going to be like that when they are older? You think of them as preschoolers, think of what preschool you will send them to, even how they will be as teens. You get used to them.
Life before them? WHAT there was a life before my children? Really?! I don't remember that!
But deep down in the back of your mind, it's there still that worry. Those Mommy fears. I have them still. I fear that Hayden will get sick one day and pass away, there is the fear of getting in an accident with him in the car with me, I even fear me dying and leaving him. I fear that someone may kidnap him. I even fear the world sometimes when it comes to him. I often talk of my future with Hayden, I just love it. It brings so much hope and love in me, when I think of him at 2 or 3 even at how he will be at 7 or at 17! What will look like, what will it be like to really have a teenage son, or to have to look up at him after some years of being able to pick him up or bending down to his level! I think of how I will deal when he goes to school or decides "Mommy, I don't want you to kiss me or hide me in front of the guys." (I know how I will deal: I will bawl my eyes out, find his baby pictures reminisce and bawl some more!) And more importantly, how who he will be as a person!
I have deep, deep thoughts of how I wish Hayden to grow up. But I am a very liberal person when it comes to what he likes, wants, and him expressing himself and finding who he is without me trying to mold him into someone else. I'd like to think that I go with the flow very well, but I do want him to be a good man. I want him to one day care for a wife, treat like a princess, while being considerate, passionate, and loving to her - I will have nothing less! Who my son becomes as a man worries me day and night. I know that fathers help, but I am smart enough to know too that it starts with Mothers. How I treat him, what I teach him, where I guide him. But the thing I worry about is I won't know for sure if I'm doing a good job until he gets there and by then it will be too late if not. But I could have one wish it would be that.
Another that keeps me tossing and turning is the only child thing. I love the idea of an only child. You have so much time and energy for just that child, you can devote as much time as you want into them without interruption, that only children usually are more intelligent, mature, and generally have more success in life simply because they have no siblings. In a nutshell, to think that I could boost Hayden's chances in life simply by stopping at only him is golden to me. I mean what doesn't want their child to be mature, responsible, intelligent and successful?
But boy oh boy do I have baby lust! I want me my cute cuddly infant/baby with the cheeks back! I want to look like I swallowed a watermelon that took 10 months to digest again. To feel a baby kicking, wiggling, and hiccuping again inside me. I love the excite of guessing blue or pink! The excitement and planning shopping and the sheer joy and anticipation a new baby brings.
And the biggest reason of all...!!!! I have converted, I totally and absolutely want a daughter. Yup, Mia, the Tomboy, the boy's Mom (has cursed me as the one that will have all boys) wants a girl. A recent shopping spree with my little, err, not so little anymore- very pregnant- sister converted me 100% to the land of pink. I know 50/50 and that is cool if I have another son I really want my Logan too. But Lillian Marie has been on my mind and on my heart for sometime. It's in Target when I pass the girl section going to get Hayden something, its in the uber cute holiday dresses that I so desperately want to but, it's all about the hair that I want to pin up in bows and ponytails, it's in my obsession with little mermaid that I really wish to share. And the idea of having one boy, one girl is perfect. Picture perfect. Boy first, girl second. My prince and princess. HMMMM, maybe I have already decided and just haven't realized it yet...
But the point is I have lots of Mommy fears, even some Mommy guilt. I totally am upset by the finding that I was putting Hayden in danger by not giving him his inhaler and not fighting hand, tooth, and nail as I usually do when it came to Hayden's car seat being replaced with an age appropriate one. After so many nights of my usually happy little boy staying up at night, having temper tantrums over EVERYTHING possible and spending most of his day on time out, I followed my gut, gave my husband the hand and escorted Hayden's butt down to the doc's office. Dave thought Hayden was being stubborn and entering the terrible twos early, I on the other hand look at my little boy, thinking I know him and his persona he is never one to put up too much of a fuss unless it's for bedtime (he hates bedtime!) Hayden is a very chill, happy little guy. He is very serious most of the time, playing with his cars, investigating, or sitting to play with something. He likes to play little games we've played since he could crawl with us, me singing the ABC's, or dancing, even books he really likes! But lately he has only been eating his little heart out and complaining something awful.
As it turns out, Hayden has a low grade fever and an infection on top of his cold. And he is struggling to breath, yup, that would turn me into a grumpy puss too. No wonder he didn't want to go to bed. All because I followed my gut, my fears.
I am all too aware that my child is not promised to me, that makes me incredibly sad, but it makes me cherish him even more. I know Hayden could be here today and not tomorrow, but it's the time I have with him now that I know, that I love, that I appreciate.
What are some of your fears? What are some of your dreams and aspirations for your children?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I have those same fears. I wish so much aspirations for my babies. I want them to take over the world haha. Or at least go after their dreams.