I am home alone for the first time in a long time. Hayden is with my grandmother and David is at work. Sitting here like this reminds me so much of my life before I had Hayden and a J.O.B. When I was forced to try to find something to do and simply waited all day for David to come home from work. Once Hayden was born all that changed, I am now forever and ever busy or have something to do. Trying to work, clean, cook, and remember everything that needs to be done is stressful sometimes and I quickly remember my life before Hayden, silently wishing to have that freedom back. But when I have time alone, I am not at peace either and I feel as if my time is limited or that I have nothing to do. And when I do have things to do, which I do I really need to get started on some work related things I am UBER behind, but can't do because I am thinking about my little guy. What is Hayden doing right now, I should go pick him up so I can hold him, feed him, see him smile, etc. I miss him so much when I am away from him...even though he is only a few houses down, even though I know he is fine and happy and content. I miss him, I think about him so much I literally can't think or operate. I am extremely sleepy right now but can't sleep because I know I will think of only him.
It is also in these moments, I realize my closeness to him, my dependence on him...to be here, to do our daily routines, to socialize with, to hold, to entertain me, just so many things that are only him and I. He is my love, my everything, my being. Love: I hear so much, I even say at least once everyday, but its a word little depth little meaning to express something that is so unique that it can't be contained or talked about only felt and experienced. And I am feeling it- Experiencing it now.
It was a very long, hard road to get Hayden: one filled with lots of testing, reading, researching, tried and true attempts, faith, disappointment, hurt feelings, and lots of fear and shed tears. I thought I couldn't have children and that I would be never have a child that was of David and I, which I wanted so bad to see David in my children (And I love everyday that I see him in Hayden). And now I have that: I have Hayden. But I also feel as if I have lost time, lost emotion, lost the edge that comes with wanting a child so bad every month and not getting, knowing something is off in your body and that is up to faith and chance every month-EVERY FREAKING MONTH, and time holds no bearing except that is long and seems like forever. The hurt and bitterness that comes with seeing everyone else around getting pregnant and you're still not, the unfit parents you pass on the street taking parenthood for granted. I have lost some of the reasoning that I had in my abilities and determination I had to do this and do that in parenting, I had forgotten I think how precious and golden my son is to me, for I may never have another.
But today, I start anew with things. I think I don't think of that time, but obviously I still feel it, remember it. And I plan on holding Hayden a little tighter everyday, kissing him a little bit more everyday, making more time for him everyday because I love him so much! I will savor every moment with him, and hold it tight.