I am just going to lay everything out and write this as It comes to me Once Hayden was born I throw myself into being a Mom. I gave up everything that I felt was not "motherly" or what a mother should do. Along the way, I shed most of my interests becoming more and more dedicated to being a mom. I became so Step ford. I lived my life as if I was acting playing a part. This Step ford life though showed on me, it beat me up and dragged me down. I was just unhappy because it wasn't me. I was living life, dead almost, going through the motions.
This way of living affected so much of me and my life, marriage and myself. I gave up most of me who wished her husband would grow up. My husband is a chill laid back person, who never gave up his video games or late night viewings of south park. What I didn't really think about was joining him, just telling him to grow up, we were parents.
I left blogging and all social networks to give more time to Hayden, guilty at how much time I spent at the computer. It became more of a burden and like bondage, then the fun way to journal about my life and express myself that had drew me to it. That's because I had drained all expression from me, thinking I'm a mom now can't do this and that. I looked at myself and realized how much I restricted myself and cut off I'd become as a person.
A couple of months back I made the decision to return to school, it seemed so natural for me. But it struck a fire in me to really get to know me and bring back everything I tossed, to get my mojo back. I was tried of being this Step ford supermom
It seems like in the blink of an eye I caught up with myself, but really it was a heavy thing for me. I realized how much I was something that I didn't want to be, that I had become less confident in myself, fearful of almost everything in life and probably teaching my son to be the same way.
Over the last few months, I have really came full force like a hurricane into myself. I had been running away from my creative side so long, stifling it like lack of oxygen to a flame, for so many reasons. But now I am totally comfortable with myself and the fact that I love to create. I am a creative person, I love to everything that involves creating. Art and writing are so close to my soul and who I am, I am sad I gave it up, neglected it along with so many other things. In just a few short days I start school with a double major in art and graphic design. I am so excited to have found a major that is totally something I want to do and crazy about.
Once again in life I can sing to music like there is no tomorrow, I have picked up drawing again - sketching has become a big past time for me, I have been growing in photography, and planning on delving into many other art forms. Inspiration is around me, I see the mixed media, painting, and crafts I know with time I am gonna give it a try.
This post has been really hard for me to write, I have a hard time revealing myself so openly but I feel a call to write it, to post it. I am feeling so alive and happy in life right now despite everything, sometimes my heart swells and I can't believe it. I feel like I have been in a dark haunted forest lost now I am being showered with Spring gardens. Right now is an exciting time for me, I feel so many different opportunities and things will be in store for me this year. I look to my family, David and Hayden, I love them so freaking much and look forward to so many things with them.
My b-day is coming up so fast and I have realized how relaxed I have become, stopping being so hard on myself, to believe more in myself. I am young, only 24, about to turn 25, I need to also be my age, play video games with my husband, or maybe leave Hayden with Grandma so David and I can go to a concert or a dinner just to two of us. It is normal what parents and people do and it is better for Hayden to see me happy and doing what I love no matter what.
I had been nervous about turning 25, I felt too young I wished I was 30 (NOT TO SAY 30 ISN'T YOUNG), I hated being so young, but now I know I better enjoy it and my family. There are so many things ahead, I plan on taking nothing for granted. 2012 has come so fast, I look to it knowing I can't stop the past but I am looking toward the future a new year.
Happy New Year