Thursday, January 5, 2012

Coming into Me

I am just going to lay everything out and write this as It comes to me Once Hayden was born I throw myself into being a Mom. I gave up everything that I felt was not "motherly" or what a mother should do. Along the way, I shed most of my interests becoming more and more dedicated to being a mom. I became so Step ford. I lived my life as if I was acting playing a part. This Step ford life though showed on me, it beat me up and dragged me down. I was just unhappy because it wasn't me. I was living life, dead almost, going through the motions.
This way of living affected so much of me and my life, marriage and myself. I gave up most of me who wished her husband would grow up. My husband is a chill laid back person, who never gave up his video games or late night viewings of south park.  What I didn't really think about was joining him, just telling him to grow up, we were parents.
I left blogging and all social networks to give more time to Hayden, guilty at how much time I spent at the computer. It became more of a burden and like bondage, then the fun way to journal about my life and express myself that had drew me to it. That's because I had drained all expression from me, thinking I'm a mom now can't do this and that.  I looked at myself and realized how much I restricted myself and cut off I'd become as a person.
A couple of months back I made the decision to return to school, it seemed so natural for me. But it struck a fire in me to really get to know me and bring back everything I tossed, to get my mojo back. I was tried of being this Step ford supermom
It seems like in the blink of an eye I caught up with myself, but really it was a heavy thing for me. I realized how much I was something that I didn't want to be, that I had become less confident in myself, fearful of almost everything in life and probably teaching my son to be the same way.
Over the last few months, I have really came full force like a hurricane into myself. I had been running away from my creative side so long, stifling it like lack of oxygen to a flame, for so many reasons. But now I am totally comfortable with myself and the fact that I love to create. I am a creative person, I love to everything that involves creating. Art and writing are so close to my soul and who I am, I am sad I gave it up, neglected it along with so many other things. In just a few short days I start school with a double major in art and graphic design. I am so excited to have found a major that is totally something I want to do and crazy about.  
Once again in life I can sing to music like there is no tomorrow, I have picked up drawing again - sketching has become a big past time for me, I have been growing in photography, and planning on delving into many other art forms. Inspiration is around me, I see the mixed media, painting, and crafts I know with time I am gonna give it a try. 
This post has been really hard for me to write, I have a hard time revealing myself so openly but I feel a call to write it, to post it. I am feeling so alive and happy in life right now despite everything, sometimes my heart swells and I can't believe it. I feel like I have been in a dark haunted forest lost now I am being showered with Spring gardens. Right now is an exciting time for me, I feel so many different opportunities and things will be in store for me this year. I look to my family, David and Hayden, I love them so freaking much and look forward to so many things with them.
My b-day is coming up so fast and I have realized how relaxed I have become, stopping being so hard on myself, to believe more in myself. I am young, only 24, about to turn 25, I need to also be my age, play video games with my husband, or maybe leave Hayden with Grandma so David and I can go to a concert or a dinner just to two of us. It is normal what parents and people do and it is better for Hayden to see me happy and doing what I love no matter what.
I had been nervous about turning 25, I felt too young I wished I was 30 (NOT TO SAY 30 ISN'T YOUNG), I hated being so young, but now I know I better enjoy it and my family. There are so many things ahead, I plan on taking nothing for granted. 2012 has come so fast, I look to it knowing I can't stop the past but I am looking toward the future a new year. 

Happy New Year

1 comment:

jessi ♥ said...

I know exactly what you mean about losing yourself in this mama gig! I'm constantly trying to redirect myself so it doesn't happen.

I'm starting to let it happen again, so I'm making sure to take a little time for me here and there!