Thursday, April 22, 2010

baby blues

Tomorrow will be Hayden's first day in his eleventh month, well today now. Normally, I would be celebrating another month and with it more milestones and the joy of seeing my little boy grow up and learn. But with this month I know it is also his last month of his first year and his last month of infancy. With the start of his eleventh month he will be one month away from his toddler years.
I did know and once upon a time anticipate his first year. I mean I love, love, LOVE this little boy to death and I love the thought of him growing up big and strong; learning as he went- you know what every parent wants for their child. And in the back of my mind, I knew with every passing month, every new ability, and every milestone he was inching closer to his first birthday.
And now I am feeling a really big case of the "baby blues." I don't want my baby to grow up! I want my baby forever! HEHE. No, really when I think of his first year I just feel like he won't be a baby baby anymore but a big boy, that he won't need me anymore. I know that sounds weird after all he is only turning one- He can't even talk yet. But I think of how fast this year with him went and can only guess how fast the other years will go by. In my brain I'm thinking about the years when he is a teen and all I have left is memories, photos, and videos thinking "where did the time go?"
I know it is not all bad, and probably not bad at all. I will be able to do more things with him, things that I have wanted to do since pregnancy but he was too young. I still have dreams of finger painting, doing crafts with him, teaching him an instrument, decorating his bedroom with things that are him. With the infant years gone I will see those dreams come true. Also with this new year coming I will see the fruition of him beginning to talk, play with other children more, teaching him and ultimately Hayden becoming Hayden.
Even with the baby blues, I look toward Hayden's 1st birthday party with anticipation- after all it will be his first birthday ever! And what comes along after- The toddler years!
Which I look forward to too, I am not without amazement and excitement of seeing Hayden grow. I look at him now with love and warmth seeing a difference in him already. I love gazing at into his face and seeing his expression of knowing whats going on and with evermore curiosity, the way he mimics words I speak clearer and clearer every day; or the way he fixes his mouth when actually carrying on a "conversation" with me; I even like when he sees me eating and he comes up complaining "why didn't you fix me some?" I am just as proud when he walks (or runs ) around like a big boy (he now thinks that he can play with older kids.)
I know that in the toddler years there will still be good times. And Hayden will still amaze and shock me, but nonetheless its hard to say goodbye to this stage, to this time that I will never get back with him. But in this last month before he turns one year old I will cherish his last few days as a baby or a bigger baby.

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