Recently, David and I had a pregnancy scare. It took lots of courage to muster up the strength to walk into a store purchase a test and monumental power to actually use the thing. And it came out a...big fat negative.(BFN) I wanted to jump up and down maybe do the moonwalk, I did though sing, but actually I WAS DISAPPOINTED. I do have major baby lust, but who doesn't when they see their tiny infant who used to be *this* small turn into a full grown toddler, who cries something evil when you take them out of the sink. I want a baby again, I am a total Mom! I want the small outfits that come only with infancy, the ability to sit them in one spot and not having worry that they have escaped the house when you turned your back for one second. The babies that laugh at stupid, silly things and that have a little tiny happy persona, satisfied with even the littlest things. I WANT THAT BACK. It is what I miss the most. Don't get me wrong though, Hayden's age group is tough but it is my favorite time. He plays more, interacts with me more, he really like a tiny kid right now. He is a big helper, loves to be chased, draw, build, and color, and more.
But my scare put something into prospective: David is terrified of having another child (weird) this guy turned white as a ghost at any slip of the tongue that involved "baby" and that my baby lust is subsiding. Because I totally over it.
And while I know the idea of having another bouncing baby shouldn't be a "scary" thing but for me it always is. The anticipation, preparation - emotional as well as mental, literal, and physical - all can take time. It takes time to adjust, to settle into anything new, and I know life is full of those: big and small, but an infant is a gigantic one. It is money, time, energy, life shattering as well as life changing. The same way a person really wouldn't want a surprise wedding (boyfriend pops out "surprise! We are not going to Dinner but to the altar, yay!!") you really don't want a surprise pregnancy. Some are more welcoming than other, while some just go with the flow.
I AM A PLANNER. So hard for me to admit, I love planning everything, I love to envision how this will be or go with that, it is one of the many things that keep me very busy and keep me sane because I another thing I hate to admit is I'm a very high strung person. (EKK!) I plan finances, what books I will read in what amount of time in what month, goals for my future as well anything that involves me, anything you can think of it's planned! I have sort of learned to go with the flow with Hayden but even in his behaviors and temperament I have devised a plan or routine. In high school I used to love going to classes where the teachers had written on the board what we would be doing that in that class, and dreaded classes where I would just sit down getting pulled here and there not knowing what was coming next. I like structure, I love knowing what is going to happen (except for movies and books), that is me.
And when it comes to pregnancy, I am no different. I have plans on baby number being the second and last, the infant to complete our family. Plus, I know that there is no way possible that I can talk David into having 3 kids, took me two years to convince him to have a second. I want to do the same thing I did with Hayden: read on infancy, natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and more. Why would I want to do all that when I know what to expect? Because I am an information-holic for 1, and for two I loved it in my pregnancy with Hayden it made me really want him, and anticipate him more. I want to go back and even read on fertility, I loved the information I got from that. And while I would love to just get pregnant. I love planning it even more. Next pregnancy, I want to plan, plan, PLAN. And not be "surprised" but really isn't there surprise in every pregnancy?
P.S. I do have a baby coming soon, my sister is due with her first child, a girl, at the end of this month! I can't wait to be an Auntie!! And for Hayden to have a cousin. This will be his first cousin that is younger than him. All his other cousins are on David's side of the family and older he is the baby there and on my side he is the oldest.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Friday, November 19, 2010
Truth Time: Savoring
I am home alone for the first time in a long time. Hayden is with my grandmother and David is at work. Sitting here like this reminds me so much of my life before I had Hayden and a J.O.B. When I was forced to try to find something to do and simply waited all day for David to come home from work. Once Hayden was born all that changed, I am now forever and ever busy or have something to do. Trying to work, clean, cook, and remember everything that needs to be done is stressful sometimes and I quickly remember my life before Hayden, silently wishing to have that freedom back. But when I have time alone, I am not at peace either and I feel as if my time is limited or that I have nothing to do. And when I do have things to do, which I do I really need to get started on some work related things I am UBER behind, but can't do because I am thinking about my little guy. What is Hayden doing right now, I should go pick him up so I can hold him, feed him, see him smile, etc. I miss him so much when I am away from him...even though he is only a few houses down, even though I know he is fine and happy and content. I miss him, I think about him so much I literally can't think or operate. I am extremely sleepy right now but can't sleep because I know I will think of only him.
It is also in these moments, I realize my closeness to him, my dependence on him...to be here, to do our daily routines, to socialize with, to hold, to entertain me, just so many things that are only him and I. He is my love, my everything, my being. Love: I hear so much, I even say at least once everyday, but its a word little depth little meaning to express something that is so unique that it can't be contained or talked about only felt and experienced. And I am feeling it- Experiencing it now.
It was a very long, hard road to get Hayden: one filled with lots of testing, reading, researching, tried and true attempts, faith, disappointment, hurt feelings, and lots of fear and shed tears. I thought I couldn't have children and that I would be never have a child that was of David and I, which I wanted so bad to see David in my children (And I love everyday that I see him in Hayden). And now I have that: I have Hayden. But I also feel as if I have lost time, lost emotion, lost the edge that comes with wanting a child so bad every month and not getting, knowing something is off in your body and that is up to faith and chance every month-EVERY FREAKING MONTH, and time holds no bearing except that is long and seems like forever. The hurt and bitterness that comes with seeing everyone else around getting pregnant and you're still not, the unfit parents you pass on the street taking parenthood for granted. I have lost some of the reasoning that I had in my abilities and determination I had to do this and do that in parenting, I had forgotten I think how precious and golden my son is to me, for I may never have another.
But today, I start anew with things. I think I don't think of that time, but obviously I still feel it, remember it. And I plan on holding Hayden a little tighter everyday, kissing him a little bit more everyday, making more time for him everyday because I love him so much! I will savor every moment with him, and hold it tight.
It is also in these moments, I realize my closeness to him, my dependence on him...to be here, to do our daily routines, to socialize with, to hold, to entertain me, just so many things that are only him and I. He is my love, my everything, my being. Love: I hear so much, I even say at least once everyday, but its a word little depth little meaning to express something that is so unique that it can't be contained or talked about only felt and experienced. And I am feeling it- Experiencing it now.
It was a very long, hard road to get Hayden: one filled with lots of testing, reading, researching, tried and true attempts, faith, disappointment, hurt feelings, and lots of fear and shed tears. I thought I couldn't have children and that I would be never have a child that was of David and I, which I wanted so bad to see David in my children (And I love everyday that I see him in Hayden). And now I have that: I have Hayden. But I also feel as if I have lost time, lost emotion, lost the edge that comes with wanting a child so bad every month and not getting, knowing something is off in your body and that is up to faith and chance every month-EVERY FREAKING MONTH, and time holds no bearing except that is long and seems like forever. The hurt and bitterness that comes with seeing everyone else around getting pregnant and you're still not, the unfit parents you pass on the street taking parenthood for granted. I have lost some of the reasoning that I had in my abilities and determination I had to do this and do that in parenting, I had forgotten I think how precious and golden my son is to me, for I may never have another.
But today, I start anew with things. I think I don't think of that time, but obviously I still feel it, remember it. And I plan on holding Hayden a little tighter everyday, kissing him a little bit more everyday, making more time for him everyday because I love him so much! I will savor every moment with him, and hold it tight.
Friday, June 11, 2010
No End In Sight
"He's one already?" "Wow, he got one fast!" "Didn't that first year just fly by?" These are the statements I got the most from family, friends, and even strangers, my usually answer is a tight lipped "hmm" and a slight nod, to which they of course take as "those were tough times I don't want to remember." Truth be told: Hayden's first year was the longest year of my life! Maybe its because that first year is so connected to pregnancy, I have unconsciously lumped in pregnancy's ten months with the first year of motherhood. I am not sure. But I know that my first year of motherhood was a little bit more weird than most.
I remember some milestones of Pregnancy. I always go back and laugh at how I took my pregnancy test to quiet my Grandmother, who wouldn't stop chirping that I was pregnant after I had told her that I was a bit nauseated but could still help move my cousin. I took it and two lines showed up. After 8 months of baby lust, I was pregnant and so excited that I ran out the door screaming "I'm pregnant" bypassing my husband and went straight to my Grandma's house.
The first trimester was the longest for me: constantly waiting and going to the bathroom to check to see if I was bleeding. And I had longer to wait in that trimester than most women, I found out I was pregnant at only 3 weeks along. The second trimester and the first two months and 3 weeks of the third were my most favorite time. I wasn't impatient to get the pregnancy over with or uncomfortable until the last week. I loved, loved, LOVED pregnancy and was in no rush to have it ended.
My birth was not gruesome or filled with screaming and horror. Instead I was calm, laughing, and intent on having a remembered birth experience and I could not wait to push thinking that it would be fun. I labored six hours, I was induced upon requesting it, my contractions were not unbearable- In fact the morning I went to be induced, they checked my cervix and I was already in labor at 3 centimeters dilated. I felt nothing. At 5 centimeters, I got an epidural that didn't work and instead made me violently itchy, that took two doses of benedryl and something else to stop. I felt everything but it wasn't painful. I went from seven to ten in an hour and it took me only thirty minutes to birth Hayden into this world.
I was not overwhelmed or nervous as a parent but confident and anxious to breastfeed and know what it felt like. I loved snuggling with Hayden, breastfeeding him, and even reading to him.
Hayden was a dream as an infant. He never cried, slept long hours, when awoke he was totally alert- So alert that when I took him to the emergency after seeing a spot of blood in his diaper, no one believed that he was sick. It took a week to have him hospitalized for a UTI. That was very hard and the most stressful time for me as a parent, when they put the IV in his arm I left. I felt horrible for leaving, crestfallen for hearing him cry as they poked him, but I didn't want him to see me cry and I bawled.
That didn't even get him down the nurses at Children's Hospital were amazed at how quiet and alert he was, and that he slept through the night so young. After 3 days in the hospital, Hayden took off.
He completed all his milestones early, amazing everyone, and he still amazes me. I was hesitant about him turning one and I love it. It is as if he has come alive. I could see him changing a little at eleven months: saying new sounds, playing games, copying Mommy and Daddy, as well as taking out clothes from the hamper or dishes from the washer "helping" us. But now he is climbing things he never tried to climb: the toilet, the entertainment center, even his small toy shelf. He can say a few words: "stop it" is his favorite, "i did it," "this," "that" "nan" meaning no, "down." Today I heard a few new ones "done" and "dog" and "tree." he even waves bye-bye without being told!
His personality is merging like wild fire. He loves me reading to him, he loves anything with animals in it, he loves outside and nature: anytime the door is open he skyrockets to the door with his goofy run. Another thing that has shocked me is his memory to people. He knows Grandma now on both sides and anytime one of them stops by or he sees their houses he instantly lights up. He is starting to realize that Daddy comes and goes on weekdays and is not always here. He cries when he sees David, his Dad, leave for work or Grandma leaving. And while he learned to point at 9 months, now it has turned into the name game.
Hayden is developing so fast and thankfully there is no end in sight. I love to see him learn and grow (try to type on my computer.)It is what parenting is all about. Now he has run off somewhere with my nail clipper.
Always,
H and M B
I remember some milestones of Pregnancy. I always go back and laugh at how I took my pregnancy test to quiet my Grandmother, who wouldn't stop chirping that I was pregnant after I had told her that I was a bit nauseated but could still help move my cousin. I took it and two lines showed up. After 8 months of baby lust, I was pregnant and so excited that I ran out the door screaming "I'm pregnant" bypassing my husband and went straight to my Grandma's house.
The first trimester was the longest for me: constantly waiting and going to the bathroom to check to see if I was bleeding. And I had longer to wait in that trimester than most women, I found out I was pregnant at only 3 weeks along. The second trimester and the first two months and 3 weeks of the third were my most favorite time. I wasn't impatient to get the pregnancy over with or uncomfortable until the last week. I loved, loved, LOVED pregnancy and was in no rush to have it ended.
My birth was not gruesome or filled with screaming and horror. Instead I was calm, laughing, and intent on having a remembered birth experience and I could not wait to push thinking that it would be fun. I labored six hours, I was induced upon requesting it, my contractions were not unbearable- In fact the morning I went to be induced, they checked my cervix and I was already in labor at 3 centimeters dilated. I felt nothing. At 5 centimeters, I got an epidural that didn't work and instead made me violently itchy, that took two doses of benedryl and something else to stop. I felt everything but it wasn't painful. I went from seven to ten in an hour and it took me only thirty minutes to birth Hayden into this world.
I was not overwhelmed or nervous as a parent but confident and anxious to breastfeed and know what it felt like. I loved snuggling with Hayden, breastfeeding him, and even reading to him.
Hayden was a dream as an infant. He never cried, slept long hours, when awoke he was totally alert- So alert that when I took him to the emergency after seeing a spot of blood in his diaper, no one believed that he was sick. It took a week to have him hospitalized for a UTI. That was very hard and the most stressful time for me as a parent, when they put the IV in his arm I left. I felt horrible for leaving, crestfallen for hearing him cry as they poked him, but I didn't want him to see me cry and I bawled.
That didn't even get him down the nurses at Children's Hospital were amazed at how quiet and alert he was, and that he slept through the night so young. After 3 days in the hospital, Hayden took off.
He completed all his milestones early, amazing everyone, and he still amazes me. I was hesitant about him turning one and I love it. It is as if he has come alive. I could see him changing a little at eleven months: saying new sounds, playing games, copying Mommy and Daddy, as well as taking out clothes from the hamper or dishes from the washer "helping" us. But now he is climbing things he never tried to climb: the toilet, the entertainment center, even his small toy shelf. He can say a few words: "stop it" is his favorite, "i did it," "this," "that" "nan" meaning no, "down." Today I heard a few new ones "done" and "dog" and "tree." he even waves bye-bye without being told!
His personality is merging like wild fire. He loves me reading to him, he loves anything with animals in it, he loves outside and nature: anytime the door is open he skyrockets to the door with his goofy run. Another thing that has shocked me is his memory to people. He knows Grandma now on both sides and anytime one of them stops by or he sees their houses he instantly lights up. He is starting to realize that Daddy comes and goes on weekdays and is not always here. He cries when he sees David, his Dad, leave for work or Grandma leaving. And while he learned to point at 9 months, now it has turned into the name game.
Hayden is developing so fast and thankfully there is no end in sight. I love to see him learn and grow (try to type on my computer.)It is what parenting is all about. Now he has run off somewhere with my nail clipper.
Always,
H and M B
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