Day 13: A Letter To Someone

Dear someone...

2? Not yet! But getting there? Hayden, you turned 21 months a few days ago and I have noticed that I am way less emotional this year than last year. As a parent I can say with all honesty that I thought you'd never get to be 2. Not that I thought you wouldn't make it there. It's just that when entering my journey into motherhood, I wanted a baby. I wanted the cheeks with the love able fat, small clothes, holding an infant, rooms filled with the crystal pearls that is infant laughter - Not a toddler. Yeah, I knew you would grow up and over into one, that didn't mean I have to like it. Every time I thought of my baby growing into a noisy, busy terrible 2 tot, I cringed. I quickly Men in Black flashed it from my memory and envisioned babies, babies, babies. I wanted you to grow so we could do certain things still I never excepted such a change and that with every change and difference, you were shedding every bit of infancy.

Once you hit 1, I thought of you magically knowing everything and when that didn't happen instantly I settled back into "Oh, wait, at 1 you're still a baby? Score! You're just a big baby." Two months rushed by and I looked up and you were different: in looks, in proportion, in ability, and thought "and it begins."
You kicked into high ninja like action with lovely tantrums that sometimes made me pray David would get home, so that I could get a break. There was the lovely stage of whining for everything reason or no reason. I can't mark the day when your legs grew so long nor the day that your torso didn't grew from a tiny baby to hold torso into the long one you have now. I do recall the day I looked at you and saw "Wow, you look way different today. How did this happen." It was the weirdest thing, I thought you were like a changeling or something: same child, looks pretty much the same but you know the difference can sense the difference. With every passing month, at every end almost the beginning of a new one, you'd always change, or do something new. It could be as small as the way you looked at me, letting me know that you were thinking and calculating something. Or putting blocks in places you did before.
I never read stuff on toddlers the way I did infancy. I just didn't think much about toddlers. So in a way it has been a pleasant surprise that I love this age and even though I had lots of fun w/ "baby Hayden" You have no idea how much more fun you are now.
Sure I can't things away from you acting as if they have disappeared, you have long since overcome that, because you will follow to see where I put it and go get it again. In everything I have to be more crafty. I have learned the hard way that taking things and putting them high is a bad decision. You will money climb anything with no fear, wait strategically until my back is turned to retrieve it.
You raid my fridge at any given times. Grunting and gesturing that you want this and that. And after the millionth time of telling you "no, you can have this or that or - Okay, you can. Get in your chair," I ask myself how come the hospital never gave me a manual. Or when you tell me to "Shut up" with the gusto and 'tude of a child 5x your age, even though I never say the word. Or how you pick up words that I don't teach, or some you don't hear regularly, or comprehend things you shouldn't. (Well, that I think you shouldn't).
Then are the days, I trip over a toy, raving mad with embarrassment and frustration,and you come "You hurt? You hurt? I sorry, I sorry." As you rub my head. "Hug?" You hug me, "ahhh" (something I always say and now he says its really cute) and you offer a kiss, another rub before you grab my hand to show me something that you want to do. Be still my heart.
Even though I sometimes don't need you in my hair, pulling on me, asking me to come play with this or that and I'm really trying to get something done. I flash to the days that will come when I'm no longer a buddy, but "ew, Mom." And my time spent with you has dried up and you're off with Sally or Sue while hanging out with you buddies.
2 years are about to come, and I just think wow, 2 years, then 2 more, oh my 4 then 2 more you're in school already? Then 2 more, and wow you're my real big boy. My first, my eldest, the one I experienced everything with for the very first time. The first baby I carried for 9 months of anticipation, small kicks, and obsessive planning, the first baby that was mine to be held underneath a myriad of kisses and soft lips grazing your hair as I rocked you to sleep, eased the battle wounds of toddlerhood, or simply just while cuddling. The first baby I held on my chest awake way pass midnight just getting you to sleep because you refuse to close your eyes and lose sight of me even for your own good, to sleep next to me on my bed (Be still my heart, are these tears?) to awake next to, to go to sleep next to, to breath the same breath on gray and black dotted sheets night day, night day. For me to open my eyes to your soft breathing next to me, clutching me just a little too tightly, still loose in your valley of dreams but needing to know even in that valley that I am near.
You are my son, my love, my cliche. The tiny person that runs up and down my house babbling ferociously on his fake telephone, reminding of a business man whose stock has just plummeted. You are well versed, forever learning, forever getting into trouble, growing beyond any limits I have set, and faster than my brain can sometimes catch are process. You are Hayden. And I do love you.


And PICTURES!!
This one is not edited but the others are, the last is new, but the two in the middle are dos from the photos I posted earlier in the week. See how much I've learned?

Day 7: A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

The birth of my son, of course! Having a child has changed so much of me from my thoughts, who I thought I was, to who I am; what I want in life; the way I think; look at the world- Everything. I knew that from the moment I decided to have a child that it would bring a happiness and pleasure so fulfilling that it would overtake me. Having Hayden definitely the most thing that has impacted me. I have gained more patience, insight on me as a person as a Mom. I love having Hayden and he is imprinted all over me.

January 28th...

On the 28Th of January I had a birthday!! Yay, PARTY!! Well, kinda but not really actually, it was a Friday and most of the world was at work so I spent it with my special little man, Hayden. I slept myself into an oblivion this day, nice I know, and surprisingly Hayden let me as if he knew that it was my special day.
I cooked him breakfast as usual, got him dressed same as usual, decided to get dressed myself. Then take a walk around with him when I opened the blinds and saw what a pretty day it was.
As soon as we got outside, I saw how much Hayden changed. He smiled big open smiles at everyone, so many people thought that he was so cute. He waved happily at our mail woman, smiling with both dimples eating away at his cheeks. As we took our walk he obediently held my hand, bouncing like Tigger along the way. He giggled "Hi" to almost every person we passed. Even decided to be a big boy, literally mocking me, and walking along side me, gazing up at me as if saying "Look, Mom, I'm walking just like you."
I usually can care a less about my birthday but this year, I loved it, it made appreciate my family and son so much. It slapped me right in the face that it is the little things in the day that made Motherhood so worth it.

I did have a party on Sunday. Fun stuff even it rained and overall was a sad, dreary day in which I had a stuffy nose and an headache that wouldn't go away. And I tried out a new recipe that I had never had before: Shepherd Pie. I loved it. As soon as my MIL gets me that recipe I will try to make it myself yummy. i stuffed myself stupid with dinner and doubled my efforts with homemade cake (I'm a lucky girl) and even though I will probably be working off the calories and fat for an entire week, I loved it! INDULGING

Mommy fears

As a Mom you worry. As soon as you hear the news: "You're pregnant!" There is worry: Do I tell anyone before 3 months, will I carry this baby, does s/he have a heartbeat? You start crossing out days until you are "out of the woods", going on multiple bathroom breaks just to see if you're spotting, stuffing yourself with the most healthiest foods to boost your chances, to boost your child's health. Its all worry. Finally 3 months hit, you settle in but do you really? Every twinge, poke, and braxton hicks brings alarm bells ringing. Finally, your baby arrives, whether your baby scored an excellent 10 on their agar or entered the world emergency c-section and got off to a rocky start: you worry. You worry about them being small, breakable, about feeding them enough, all things that can happen to them so small. You analyze every little spec of lint, dust, and germ, ready to chop down anything and everything that you see that comes near your child.
Then as they get older you worry a little less, but about different things. Now you attack your carpet 30 times a day with a vacuum so little Carl Jr. will have something clean to crawl on, you nuke the high chair with gallons on cleaning product to rid it of germs, picking up molecules off the floor so that your baby will not choke, you get down on hands and knees to see what your baby sees as you super duper baby proof your child's surroundings.
Then they get even older, they get a little more independent and you worry even, even less. You can put them in another room, or leave them in another room without completely and utterly wigging out. You may even leave them to their devices for a little bit. The hovering and helping ceases just a little bit. You even invite thoughts of them as "big kids" and teens. You get used to them being around. You plan 3 year b-day parties 2 years in advance, you find yourself at the grocery store when a 6 year old boy or girl is playing delightfully or doing something that you deem so cute, wondering is _____ going to be like that when they are older? You think of them as preschoolers, think of what preschool you will send them to, even how they will be as teens. You get used to them.
Life before them? WHAT there was a life before my children? Really?! I don't remember that!
But deep down in the back of your mind, it's there still that worry. Those Mommy fears. I have them still. I fear that Hayden will get sick one day and pass away, there is the fear of getting in an accident with him in the car with me, I even fear me dying and leaving him. I fear that someone may kidnap him. I even fear the world sometimes when it comes to him. I often talk of my future with Hayden, I just love it. It brings so much hope and love in me, when I think of him at 2 or 3 even at how he will be at 7 or at 17! What will look like, what will it be like to really have a teenage son, or to have to look up at him after some years of being able to pick him up or bending down to his level! I think of how I will deal when he goes to school or decides "Mommy, I don't want you to kiss me or hide me in front of the guys." (I know how I will deal: I will bawl my eyes out, find his baby pictures reminisce and bawl some more!) And more importantly, how who he will be as a person!
I have deep, deep thoughts of how I wish Hayden to grow up. But I am a very liberal person when it comes to what he likes, wants, and him expressing himself and finding who he is without me trying to mold him into someone else. I'd like to think that I go with the flow very well, but I do want him to be a good man. I want him to one day care for a wife, treat like a princess, while being considerate, passionate, and loving to her - I will have nothing less! Who my son becomes as a man worries me day and night. I know that fathers help, but I am smart enough to know too that it starts with Mothers. How I treat him, what I teach him, where I guide him. But the thing I worry about is I won't know for sure if I'm doing a good job until he gets there and by then it will be too late if not. But I could have one wish it would be that.
Another that keeps me tossing and turning is the only child thing. I love the idea of an only child. You have so much time and energy for just that child, you can devote as much time as you want into them without interruption, that only children usually are more intelligent, mature, and generally have more success in life simply because they have no siblings. In a nutshell, to think that I could boost Hayden's chances in life simply by stopping at only him is golden to me. I mean what doesn't want their child to be mature, responsible, intelligent and successful?
But boy oh boy do I have baby lust! I want me my cute cuddly infant/baby with the cheeks back! I want to look like I swallowed a watermelon that took 10 months to digest again. To feel a baby kicking, wiggling, and hiccuping again inside me. I love the excite of guessing blue or pink! The excitement and planning shopping and the sheer joy and anticipation a new baby brings.
And the biggest reason of all...!!!! I have converted, I totally and absolutely want a daughter. Yup, Mia, the Tomboy, the boy's Mom (has cursed me as the one that will have all boys) wants a girl. A recent shopping spree with my little, err, not so little anymore- very pregnant- sister converted me 100% to the land of pink. I know 50/50 and that is cool if I have another son I really want my Logan too. But Lillian Marie has been on my mind and on my heart for sometime. It's in Target when I pass the girl section going to get Hayden something, its in the uber cute holiday dresses that I so desperately want to but, it's all about the hair that I want to pin up in bows and ponytails, it's in my obsession with little mermaid that I really wish to share. And the idea of having one boy, one girl is perfect. Picture perfect. Boy first, girl second. My prince and princess. HMMMM, maybe I have already decided and just haven't realized it yet...
But the point is I have lots of Mommy fears, even some Mommy guilt. I totally am upset by the finding that I was putting Hayden in danger by not giving him his inhaler and not fighting hand, tooth, and nail as I usually do when it came to Hayden's car seat being replaced with an age appropriate one. After so many nights of my usually happy little boy staying up at night, having temper tantrums over EVERYTHING possible and spending most of his day on time out, I followed my gut, gave my husband the hand and escorted Hayden's butt down to the doc's office. Dave thought Hayden was being stubborn and entering the terrible twos early, I on the other hand look at my little boy, thinking I know him and his persona he is never one to put up too much of a fuss unless it's for bedtime (he hates bedtime!) Hayden is a very chill, happy little guy. He is very serious most of the time, playing with his cars, investigating, or sitting to play with something. He likes to play little games we've played since he could crawl with us, me singing the ABC's, or dancing, even books he really likes! But lately he has only been eating his little heart out and complaining something awful.
As it turns out, Hayden has a low grade fever and an infection on top of his cold. And he is struggling to breath, yup, that would turn me into a grumpy puss too. No wonder he didn't want to go to bed. All because I followed my gut, my fears.
I am all too aware that my child is not promised to me, that makes me incredibly sad, but it makes me cherish him even more. I know Hayden could be here today and not tomorrow, but it's the time I have with him now that I know, that I love, that I appreciate.
What are some of your fears? What are some of your dreams and aspirations for your children?

The Things I was going to do

As humans, everyone has an ever-growing to-do list. But as a Mom you have the"ever-growing-to-do" list. Things get added to this list with the knowledge that a toddler is unpredictable, resulting in little things amongst the day that get added.

Things like the following are common. You have laundry to do, you also think of getting it folded and stored the same day (never happens for me), and the toddler descends upon your newly cleaned laundry, tossing it everywhere but the basket, giggling happily. To do: "put laundry in basket and place basket in a toddler safe zone. " Or you have the toddler help clean his/her room, put him down for a nap, stroll into the kitchen where bright red crayon is etched on your fridge displaying your toddler's stick figure scribble. This is the scribble that tots claim so matter of factly is a "flower" but it looks as if someone hired a drunk artist drew on your fridge. To do: "Clean fridge, put crayons in toddler safe container."

That stuff I have prepared for, what I never expected is the adult "why do you keep putting this off" to do list. Now this I seem to be a master at.

I was supposed to fold the laundry instead I sat at my computer, watching old Jon and Kate plus 8 episodes (guilty pleasure).

I was supposed to take a much-needed nap (will get into why I needed a nap at 3:00 in the afternoon on another post) but I ended up making an AOL account and this Blog. Sorry Yahoo, you have officially been abandoned for Gmail and AOL.

I was supposed to be penning writing samples and instead I read on copy writing.

I was supposed to start potty training Hayden. I printed out a custom-made rewards chart, tacking it on the bathroom wall. I see it every time I go in there but it never seems to don on me: oops, you really should be at least doing some bare minimum stuff. P.S. Hayden is so ready to be trained it knocks me back, I thought I had at least 6 more months of my cloth bummed "baby." No its I who am not ready. Some tire of changing bums, I am not immune either but it's a fair trade to me if I can simply keep this last stage; This last sign and clue of his infancy for a little bit longer.

I was supposed to clean today. The house following the Holidays has been deeply neglected and was in shambles. Instead I turned in for a very early nap, relinquishing all parental duties and house keeping over to my husband.

I am far from perfect, I am a neat freak with OCD tendencies I am only starting to notice with the follow through of an infant. I know that I am making things harder in the long run, equipped with bigger and longer jobs rather than small, shorter jobs. I seem to be putting so many things off lately, maybe sometime this year I will learn, maybe not but what I have learned is that I need some major me time. So that I am not like "laundry, caring for Hayden, cleaning! That is all my life is!" I'm thinking if I step back I will come like a million times more willing to get things done, stopping only getting things planned.

My fingers are crossed and tomorrow I really need to get this laundry stored. Easier said than down with a toddler running about.