Its my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to!

 Today has been such a chill, exciting day. Yesterday I finished up some books freeing up some of my time to today to play with Hayden. We got to paint outside, run about the house, even play in the tub with his clothes on. 

 A couple of weeks ago, I scanned in some of my sketches from an old sketch book but never did anything with it so I decided today I had the time to actually put up some of them on deviantart. That was something so exciting to me. I feel as if I'm finally getting something out there. Yesterday, I started some sketches on some new designs. I am over the moon with my creativity flowing out of nowhere lately. Next week, I hope to get started on some of those designs. I am so freakin' excited!

Hayden and all his cuteness Have a nice weekend!

What are We Gonna do Tonight, Brain...

Okay! This post has been two days in the making. SaY wHaT?! Yup, Photoshop on my computer was being weak and when Photoshop was working I realized I needed software to make a collage. Whoa is me. I needed to finally put to use Photoshop elements 9, which I got with my Wacom tablet, so I had to download that from their website, Ya-de-Ya-Da, anyway it was taking FOREVER! I ended up resorting to Picasa. But the job got done! And without further ado...

I am doing a sorta photo dump of all the things you missed in photos. I am so surprised at the age 2, I freakin' love it. Hayden is such a delight, I see him growing and doing (and saying) so much everyday. He is really becoming a fantasy person, complete with ninja noises, imaginary swords, dragons, and spider man. He is also an outside person, he loves playing outside while I write soaking the beautiful summer, chill weather in California. He is such a character, I love him.

Daddy and Hayden

World's cutest ninja!

I Rock

Ahahaha-Gwahahaha...

...No

2012 Wish List

Its a new year, ladies, and with it comes new trends, wants, dreams, and must haves.

Imac

As with Apple every year they release new products and the rumor grapevine has been sizzling with the upcoming Imacs. were the golden standard desktop in 2011 and are the gems of art and design, the not so hush - hush rumors are whispering about touch screens, TV funcionalty, AMD's Radeon HD 6990m GPU, plus more awesome features.

The negative? Maybe waiting 5+ months or more for it. Boo. Currently, I bought an Hp Laptop running windows 7 April of '11 just as my desktop gave on me. My laptop is a gaming one since I am a big of a computer nerd, so it does pretty good in running my CS 5 suite. But I heart desktops and can't wait to transcend to the Mac world for art and design purposes. (That and the fact that I have wanted a Mac since 8th grade. GEEK ALERT) Thus I am looking to replace my desktop with an Imac and be in design heaven!

IPhone 4s

I know the next gent is coming out but I really would love to get an upgrade to the 4s in white this February. I like IPhone oodles. The apps on there are stupendous and addicting. My phone has quickly become my best friend.

 

Kindle Fire

This e-reader is calling me to close my books and join the e-crowd. I am a book worm. I can read 1000+ pages in 3 days with a toddler! I have many books, and the library is a frequent hangout for me. I bring many books with me wherever I go, it makes buying a small bag worthless for me. I usually buy bags big enough to hold a good size book. So the idea of carrying around thousands of books at once time in one sleek device is a great thing. I still love the actually feel, smell and look of real books but this reminds me lugging about lots of CDs or just getting an MP3. And you all know who won that battle.

Ipad 2 err ...3

Okay, Apple is rumored to  be slipping up another Ipad...the Ipad, an upgrade to make the peps who snatched up the original Ipad actually want to upgrade. But I got my peepers on the Ipad2. With the release of the Ipad3 we're guaranteed to see a price drop in the 2, that's when I will pounce. Any Ipad will do for me in the end. I don't even have one! I know it will be grand to have one for school, jotting down notes, and more.

Easel
I have been doing lots of sketching and drawing lately. So far I love to bits charcoal and my mechanical pencils. I plan on getting some more pencil pastels to try out too, I have used soft pastels and love them too. I want to start doing more figure drawing and live drawing to really get a good start in that I want a studio easel. This will also boost me to start painting more on my own, instead of partnering with a friend like I have been doing.

Many Pretty Dresses

In 2012, I plan to be more into keeping myself "cared for." I realized I am a bit of a low key jeans and T-shirt girl. I like that but what girl doesn't want to doll herself up a little? In 2012, I plan on having fun with clothes. I love thrift shopping and forever 21 is a great place. To spice it up lots and have fun, I plan on taking heart to my lo-cal and checking out thrift stores and Forever 21's in other California cities as I get around California more.



2012 has finally come! Here's to hoping for a good New Year!

Dreams come true in my Secret Garden

I have been really into creating designs and art. My brain has been racing thousands of miles per second, spilling out design and art concepts and ideas. It excites me with an overwhelming sense of happiness giddiness, and "I can't flippin' believe it," that I could find something that I love doing and that I think is made for me. It is  a perfect way for me express and let out the many ideas and thoughts I think everyday.

Another thing is I have bounced back and forth, flipping, changing what I saw myself doing and wanting in a career. I have so many interests and things I love doing that finding my place was hard. And nothing I settled with was perfect, I always felt like I was sacrificing something - some other part of me when I decided in things in my career. With art and design, I feel whole. It has everything I love and want to do in it - it is so vast.

Everything I love is artsy- has to do with creating! I love to create visually, I am a visual person. But I feared for a long time a career doing things in the arts. Until earlier this year when I finally realized that I always came back to it, that everything that I loved, that excited me was all in the arts and involved creating - that that was where I belonged. Many things opened it lead to graphic design and art. Tomorrow I start school. I am super excited! Unbelievable to see myself actually here in this moment knowing what I want to do and doing it. It makes me a better person - a more happy person, seeing me fulfill my dream of finding a career I love and getting an education in it.

I am planning on changing up somethings on my blog. I have decided to try to "grow it." I want to find other mothers who are designers and create art of all levels and mediums. I know I started this in pregnancy and came into the whole "mommy blogging" but really I don't feel anymore as if I'm taking over "Hayden's blog." I started this to chronicle my life during motherhood, thoughts, happenings, feelings on life. I have come to think this too is apart of my as a mother. Becoming and being an artist that is craving time to create and be artistic alongside being a mom.

I plan on updating my banner and button with designs by me and maybe changing the title. I can't wait for the next upcoming weeks so I can start uploading more art to my blog. For months I've had a deviant art and plan to finally start posting my art, photography, and designs.

Of course, I am scared but I also see my fear as good because it means it's happening things are coming along. Plus, I love the confidence that comes with looking that fear in the eye and beating it. It makes me feel as if things are coming true.

When Everything withers away The Important Things Stay

Coming into Me

I am just going to lay everything out and write this as It comes to me Once Hayden was born I throw myself into being a Mom. I gave up everything that I felt was not "motherly" or what a mother should do. Along the way, I shed most of my interests becoming more and more dedicated to being a mom. I became so Step ford. I lived my life as if I was acting playing a part. This Step ford life though showed on me, it beat me up and dragged me down. I was just unhappy because it wasn't me. I was living life, dead almost, going through the motions.

This way of living affected so much of me and my life, marriage and myself. I gave up most of me who wished her husband would grow up. My husband is a chill laid back person, who never gave up his video games or late night viewings of south park.  What I didn't really think about was joining him, just telling him to grow up, we were parents.

I left blogging and all social networks to give more time to Hayden, guilty at how much time I spent at the computer. It became more of a burden and like bondage, then the fun way to journal about my life and express myself that had drew me to it. That's because I had drained all expression from me, thinking I'm a mom now can't do this and that.  I looked at myself and realized how much I restricted myself and cut off I'd become as a person.

A couple of months back I made the decision to return to school, it seemed so natural for me. But it struck a fire in me to really get to know me and bring back everything I tossed, to get my mojo back. I was tried of being this Step ford supermom

It seems like in the blink of an eye I caught up with myself, but really it was a heavy thing for me. I realized how much I was something that I didn't want to be, that I had become less confident in myself, fearful of almost everything in life and probably teaching my son to be the same way.

Over the last few months, I have really came full force like a hurricane into myself. I had been running away from my creative side so long, stifling it like lack of oxygen to a flame, for so many reasons. But now I am totally comfortable with myself and the fact that I love to create. I am a creative person, I love to everything that involves creating. Art and writing are so close to my soul and who I am, I am sad I gave it up, neglected it along with so many other things. In just a few short days I start school with a double major in art and graphic design. I am so excited to have found a major that is totally something I want to do and crazy about.  

Once again in life I can sing to music like there is no tomorrow, I have picked up drawing again - sketching has become a big past time for me, I have been growing in photography, and planning on delving into many other art forms. Inspiration is around me, I see the mixed media, painting, and crafts I know with time I am gonna give it a try. 

This post has been really hard for me to write, I have a hard time revealing myself so openly but I feel a call to write it, to post it. I am feeling so alive and happy in life right now despite everything, sometimes my heart swells and I can't believe it. I feel like I have been in a dark haunted forest lost now I am being showered with Spring gardens. Right now is an exciting time for me, I feel so many different opportunities and things will be in store for me this year. I look to my family, David and Hayden, I love them so freaking much and look forward to so many things with them.

My b-day is coming up so fast and I have realized how relaxed I have become, stopping being so hard on myself, to believe more in myself. I am young, only 24, about to turn 25, I need to also be my age, play video games with my husband, or maybe leave Hayden with Grandma so David and I can go to a concert or a dinner just to two of us. It is normal what parents and people do and it is better for Hayden to see me happy and doing what I love no matter what.

I had been nervous about turning 25, I felt too young I wished I was 30 (NOT TO SAY 30 ISN'T YOUNG), I hated being so young, but now I know I better enjoy it and my family. There are so many things ahead, I plan on taking nothing for granted. 2012 has come so fast, I look to it knowing I can't stop the past but I am looking toward the future a new year. 

Happy New Year